HORROR-SCOPES: 2024 Edition.
Happy New Year! Have you missed me? Have you spent restless nights tossing and turning, waiting for my return? Of course you have and to make up for my absence, I’ve got one hell of a treat for you today. Most people think star signs are a bunch of crap, and maybe they’re right but isn’t it fun to have something to blame for all your negative traits? “Sorry I strangled your best mate, I’m such a Capricorn lol”. Anyway, to kick off this year I’m joined by my spirit guide, let’s call her Julie, and we are going to tell you which horror movie icon you are based on your star sign as well as giving each sign some advice for the year to come. So go pour yourself a cup of herbal tea, light some incense and give your third eye a rub and we’ll open ourselves up to spirit world.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) - Nancy Loomis/Debbie Salt
Just like Mrs Loomis, Aries have fiery tempers, and they love to be number one (I mean, they are the first sign of the zodiac after all). Mars is the planetary ruler of Aries meaning they are always ready and well equipped for battle. Whether that is through extensive plastic surgery or a large hunting knife. As hot-headed as they are, it can’t be denied that they are quick-thinking and fiercely protective of the ones they love so make sure you make no negative, disparaging remarks about their family - else you’ll find how cutthroat an Aries really is. When these hot-headed rams aren’t flying off the handle, Aries are known for their impeccable style (we love a white pantsuit), living life to the fullest, they are often the life of the party! If you stay on their good side, you’ll find they are an absolute SCREAM!
Julie is telling me that in 2024, Aries should try really aim for their targets, focusing on that one thing that will keep you going just like good old-fashioned revenge. Oh and stay away from amateur theatre sets.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) - Hell Priest/Pinhead
A sign all about passion, sticking to the rules and known for their ability to hold a grudge, you don’t want to get on the wrong side of a Taurus else they’ll pierce you with their razor-sharp horns (or pins). Taureans are completely stubborn and for them there is no right way, no wrong way, just their way; and don’t get in their way else your suffering will be legendary, even in hell. Ruled by Venus, Taureans are always seeking out new realms of pleasure and much like the cenobites, they will give you an experience beyond limits, and they love feeling present in their own body. Often needing to get in touch with their physical self. So, if whips and especially chains are your thing, find yourself a Taurus. They’ll tear your (w)hole soul apart!
Ooh Julie and the spirits are calling me and they’re sending you a warning Taurus: think outside of the box.
Gemini (May 21st – June 20th) - Pennywise the Dancing Clown
With their intrinsic duality, Gemini’s often seem like playful clowns on the surface but harbour a deeper, more intense side of themselves. This duality lends to their uncanny ability to adapt and blend into any environment much like a certain shape-shifting, trans-dimensional evil entity that haunts the town of Derry, Maine…Just with a lot less child-devouring….we hope. Gemini’s are serious gossips and you’ll find that they’re often social butterflies, floating around most social occasions with ease and should you befriend one, who knows, maybe you’ll float too!
Julie sees great things for you in 2024 Gemini, but you have to get yourself out of that metaphorical sewer drain first!
Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd) - Annie Wilkes
Emotional, intuitive and fiercely loyal, get on the right side of a Cancer and they’ll be your number one fan. Ruled by the moon, this sign will often find their emotions waxing and waning and of all the signs, they are most connected with nature; the rain, sometimes it gives them the blues. Cancers are very creative and have a wild imagination and you’ll find them getting quite crabby when they are forced into mundane situations. Often inverted, it’ll take some coaxing to get them out of their COCK-A-DOODIE SHELL!
Julie is quite sad, Cancer. She’s worried about you. She tells me that in 2024 you need to start being more honest, with yourself and others. Stop being another lying ol’ dirty birdy.
Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd) - Freddy Krueger
Don’t sleep on Leos because they are the most bold, energetic and extroverted sign of the zodiac. Blessed with high self-esteem, they will always strive to make a name for themselves, and you’d find yourself on the sharp end of these Lion’s claws if you ever dare to forget them. Confident to a point of being mistaken as arrogant, a Leo knows their worth. You’ll find them as natural born leaders, thinking themselves of stars worthy of primetime b*tch! Keep a Leo close, if they let you into their world it’s because they can be a real nightmare when you make an enemy of them.
I can’t repeat what Julie has just told me Leo, but just take it from me that in 2024 you might want to explore with your style a bit more. Perhaps stay away from festive knitwear.
Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd) - Hannibal Lecter
Always thinking three-steps ahead, Virgos are the most practical and cunning sign and have an insatiable appetite once they get their teeth sunk into something. They have a taste for the finer things in life which people mistake for snobbery; they can’t help it if they like a nice chianti every now and then! Virgos are very selective of who they let into their lives, and they never truly let their guard down because they aren’t built to live their lives in glass cages. Virgo is the sign you go to when you need a problem solved but be mindful that they’ll want something in return, a little quid pro quo.
Julie urges you to get out a bit more in 2024, touch some grass and go somewhere nice where you can see a tree and even water.
Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd) - Tiffany Valentine
Libras are very in touch with their emotions and always put others before themselves, just like mother always said. Appearance is everything to a Libra which is why it is so important to make a good first impression with them, you’ll frequently find them as the best dressed on any occasion; that’s right Barbie, eat your heart out. When a Libra falls for you, they fall hard, and it’ll take more than a voodoo curse to get between you and their desires. Balance is important for a Libra so when they aren’t getting themselves dolled up then you’ll find them taking time for self-care, perhaps with a nice bubble bath and a movie.
Julie wants to impart some sage advice for you in 2024 Libra: be wary of good guys, they aren’t always what they seem.
Scorpio (23rd October – 21st November) - Sue Ann ‘Ma’ Ellington
Scorpio is the most misunderstood sign on the zodiac, they’re mistaken for being loners and intimidating but you’ll soon come to see they’re the life of the party! Just don’t make them drink alone… Scorpios are extremely driven and this is where they draw their strength from, but their flightiness can make them feel vulnerable as they always like to be in control rather than being on the outside looking in. They’ll often lash out because of this, and they won’t be afraid to sting you when they need to. Keep your Scorpios close and treat them right because they will hold a grudge for life and their intrinsic patience means they’ll get you when you least expect it.
Julie wants to let you know that you need to let things go in 2024. Those grudges that you hold will ultimately destroy you! Also, maybe rethink that bob you’re thinking of getting.
Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st) - Rose The Hat
Bold and extremely strong-willed, once a Sagittarius becomes fixated on something then there is nothing that will get in their way of what they want. Seemingly lacking tact and empathy, a Sagittarius refuses to allow silly things like emotion rule them, always focusing on that inner strength that really gives them their power. A Sagittarius shines in a leadership role and for those select few that they let their walls down around, you’ll find yourself eternally bonded, tied together in a true knot. They have no qualms about cutting people out of their life so if you want to keep a Sagittarius around then you need make sure they don’t overlook you.
You need to take some time to relax in 2024, Sagittarius. Julie is really worried about you running out of steam.
Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th) - Michael Myers
The most ambitious and ruthless sign of the zodiac, it takes something huge to get in between a Capricorn and what they want, something like an industrial shredder should do the trick. Capricorns are known for their cool, steely exterior and you’ll have a tough time trying to get behind that mask, especially due to their solitary nature, but once you do, you’ll find them to be unwaveringly loyal. Capricorns tend to be big homebodies so once they’re out and about with you, you’ll always find them aiming to come home. Cross a Capricorn and they will hold a grudge for life, you might think you’re safe even 40 years later but they’ll always come back for you like the boogeyman.
Julie knows how important money is to you Capricorns, but she stresses the importance of letting things go in 2024. You don’t need to remake yourself constantly, you don’t need to alter the core of yourself and alienate those who love you. That is evil. Say it with me – “evil dies tonight” …
Aquarius (January 20th – February 18th) - David Powers
Aquarians are complete free-spirits and they’re the sign you want to go to for a good time, you’ve just got to try and keep up with them. Their insatiable appetite for life can be infectious and you’ll find yourself eternally bonded to them once they initiate you into their ranks as friendship is everything to them. Be prepared to be charmed by an Aquarius as they’re the most charismatic sign of the zodiac and one they have you under their thrall, they’ll have you believing anything – maybe not to the extent of maggots in your Chinese food, but still…
Aquarius, Julie wants you to not give up hope in 2024. Your goals are within reach, but you need to start trusting in yourself a bit more. She says your personal mantra should be “I STILL BELIEVE!”
Pisces (February 19th – March 20th) - Margaret White
Pisces has the strongest moral compass of the zodiac, fuelled by their own sense of right and wrong yet this is completely fuelled by emotion rather than logic. A Pisces lives in their own world, and they have no qualms about trying to bring others into it but take this for granted and they’ll lock you away. A Pisces will always want the best for you, and they’ll go above and beyond to protect the ones closest to them - saving them from heartache, humiliation and people laughing at you. Pisces are full of surprises so be sure to always expect the unexpected with them – you never know what they’ve got behind their back!
In 2024, Julie says it’s a great time for a cleanse – your mind, your body and even your home! Strip that bed and give it a wash because no one wants to see your dirty pillows.
The smoke is clearing, the candles are spent, and Julie is heading back to the spirit world and I’m sure she will be back! I hope you’ve enjoyed our list and that you pay careful attention to the advice from my wonderful spirit guide. There is some incredible stuff coming your way from the whole team this year and we are positively dying to share it all with you! So until next time…
